Look ma, I’m an artist!
I have a wonderful, beautiful, living hope in Christ, our Lord and Savior. And because of His guidance, I can feel I am slowly becoming the person He wants me to be, and am getting closer to accomplishing my purpose in life, whatever that may be.
Look ma, I’m an artist!
Baltimore Raven making a confetti angel after winning Super Bowl.
This made my day.
I love sunflowers :)
I know I rarely ever get on this thing anymore, but its one thing that is always there for me when I need it. And right now I just need someone to talk to. I need to get my thoughts down. Even if nobody reads this, I don’t care. I just need to know I said it. Because I have been holding way too many things in for way too long.
I am lost.
My boyfriend has been really getting on my nerves lately with some lazy habits of his. Its been digging at me for weeks, and I finally snapped. But I didn’t know how to say my feelings to his face. So I decided to write him a letter to explain how I felt and gave it to him last night. I had no idea how he would respond and I was uber scared. But tonight, we had the best conversation I think either of us has had in a really long time.
He has been struggling a lot lately, sliding into a state of depression. He wants to get his act together so badly, but has just about zero drive left. He beats himself up and brings himself down way too much. The devil has been attacking him left and right, but there are two things he just has not been able to overcome. Laziness and lust. Now, you have to understand, he has been a wonderful leader in faith to me since I have met him. And tonight he expressed to me for the first time just how much he really struggles. And some of it really took me aback. He told me that he master-bates on the regular. Which is something that totally disgusts me. And I just don’t know how to respond to that. He has been trying so hard to give up that habit, but has been seeing much more failure than success. I have similar desires, but I am able to overcome them. And it is just so hard to understand why he can’t just stop.
I just wished he could see the person in himself that I see in him. He also asked me tonight if I really did love him. He doubted if I truly did. And when I responded yes, he asked me why. And sometimes I am unsure. But its those few moments when I have seen the true him emerge. That boy has an amazing soul, an amazing heart, amazing faith. If only he had faith in himself.
Well, after he spilled all of his struggles to me, I couldn’t help but return the favor. I told him what I have been bottling up for months now.
I am not happy.
I have a wonderful life. And I recognize that. But I have just been miserable lately. Just last summer, I was bouncing and beaming with joy. And I am back in this huge slump and I just can’t understand why. My self-esteem and self-efficacy have just dropped to record lows. I don’t feel as if I am good enough. For anything. I don’t believe in myself as a future teacher, I don’t believe in myself as a youth group leader, and I’m no longer confident in my strength or in my body. I am losing faith in human kind. And I am so disappointed by so many of the people around me. I just feel like I don’t belong sometimes. I have lost so many friendships over the past year or two, and I don’t even care. I have no desire to improve upon them. And it sucks. I’m starting to have more harmful thoughts that good thoughts, and that really scares me. I can barely get myself to pray anymore. Or work out and stay healthy. I just don’t know where to turn.
I’ve always been that strong girl who has it all together. And I hide my pain very well. I put up an awesome front. But I think the pressure of keeping up that image is really hurting me. But I don’t want to let down those who count on me so often.
Maybe I should just become an actor. I seem pretty good at it.
I think I may be beginning to f